I had an entire blog post written out for posting but I am too chicken to publish it. Too much personal stuff I am afraid. Too raw to give to the internet and the trolls who thrive on such babblings. So I am trying again. Hopefully giving the same message, but in a less bared to you way.
I put on 6lbs this week. In one week. But you know what? It doesn't matter.
But I am getting ahead of myself. If I put 6lbs last week there would be no doubt that when I stepped off the scales I would be a complete mess. But this weekend I was away for my 26th birthday. A lovely trip to Dublin with Gav. I was reading my book and it suddenly hit me.I need to like me.
Now I have known this for years, but this week it really feels like I actually have started to get it. Properly internalise it and decide that I want to do it. On the first part of my weight watchers journey I lost over 60lbs. I looked amazing. But I never felt it. I was fixated on the numbers and I knew back then that wasn't the right way for me. My target weight is too low for my figure. I personally don't want too lie in bed uncomfortable because I can feel my hip bones. That is too much. But then again I don't like the weight I am now either. For the guts of ten years I have hated my weight, even when only 10stone (140lbs) at 5ft 7.
How on earth has it taken until now for me to realise that the link in this is me? Not the circumstances surrounding me at that moment in time but me?
I don't particularly care about myself most of the time. And it is something that I really need to remedy.
So I have resolved to invest in myself. Financially actually spend on myself, apart from books I don't buy myself anything. I rarely spend my cash on new clothes or shoes unless what I currently have is gone. And most of my clothes are odd fits. Too big or too small. I spend most of my days walking around not entirely comfortable with myself and it really needs to stop. I need to lose the attitude that I need to be a certain weight to feel good. I can feel good now if I let myself. I work hard and I want to spend some of my money on me, non-food/ drink treats. But pretty things.
Mentally I need to spend on myself. And for me I need to do this through a number of ways. I need to stop punishing myself. It worked short term before but it's not healthy. And I need to stop being so single minded, I beat myself up if I don't get what I am aiming for. I really must stop that and remind myself that there are other options.
Physically I need to spend, invest time to exercise. Re-frame it so I no longer look at it like a chore but instead see me time or organise walks / swims / other activities with friends and family and make it active.
So I think I am going to make this blog change a bit too. I am not one for really putting blogs into categories but I am going to start to blog over other things. Not just weight because let's face it. There is a lot more to life.Recipes, book reviews, new tech, clothes, makeup etc. As well as the usual moaning about weight and posting tonnes of food pictures.
I can't believe it has taken me so long to work this out.